‘Tis the Season

It’s Christmas time. I should be jolly…or at least smiling, right? Wrong. ‘Tis the season for the proverbial growl. I can’t help it. I’m falling to pieces. I can’t seem to decide on the right gifts for people, I have no motivation to stick stamps and every little bit of holiday cheer has fled the scene. Sitting in front of the computer I shop and shop and shop. But, when I get to “submit” I can’t confirm. I close out instead and sigh. I’ve done this eight times now. L.L. Bean, Think Geek, Amazon, Sephora, iTunes, and JJill must think I’m crazy. I can’t commit to anything right now.

Maybe it was the suicide on campus last week. I had a fleeting though of Wouldn’t It Be Lovely? until I saw grief spread wide. The memorial is tomorrow. I’m not even sure I’m going.

Maybe it is my husband’s distracted presence. His work wife comes between my heart and suspicious mind all the time. They do battle on a regular basis. Every time he goes out of town I never know the name of the hotel he’s supposed to be staying at. I never know his ETA, coming or going. Stay late or go in early it really doesn’t matter. He doesn’t offer the information and I don’t ask. “Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies.”

Maybe it’s sheer exhaustion. I could sleep for days, never mind the hours. But, what have I been doing to be so tired? Working late. Yes. Worrying more. Yes. Stressing about something all the time. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I asked kisa to bring me back a Malbec. My new obsession. I’ll drink to that. Maybe drum up something other than a holiday sneer.