My boss used the analogy of wheels falling off a bus to describe how I should allocate my budget. “Tell me what you absolutely, positively need to have in your budget to make your operation run. What would break your department and send the wheels off the bus?” Hmmm. Interesting concept. When you are dealing with over a half a million in expenses it’s a little difficult to decide, but lately I have been applying the wheels of the bus to my personal psyche. I don’t think the wheels have fallen off my mental bus but I think the tires are running dangerously low…maybe there’s even a flat. I can keep the apathy, like a smothering smog, come creeping back in.
In the last month I learned that my mother from another life is gravely ill. I am ashamed to say I have not been able to face her or her illness. I have not sent one word of compassion. Not one note of courage or consolation. I can barely read her almost daily posts on FaceBook. I am avoiding the whole damn situation. Completely. And it makes me feel like sh!t.
In the last month I learned a friend I fell out of touch with died an early and sudden death. I let a wave of emotions flood me when I first learned: shock (he was only 41), confusion (how come I didn’t know this earlier?), curiosity (what happened?), guilt (we didn’t stay in touch despite being really close in the 90s), and finally, nostalgia (we had worked together, drank together, made memories in New Jersey, Maine and Massachusetts together). After the first cycle of emotions I circled back and found anger, sadness, indignation, and the overwhelming inability to articulate why this death bothers me so.
In the last month a friend I used to hear from regularly has slipped out of sight. I think he’s ill but I haven’t bothered to find out.
In the last month I decided to downsize my office. My current abode is big, way too big. I currently have a huge corner desk, a ginormous 9’x9′ bookcase, a filing cabinet, a standup 1980s server, a second office N&Z desk, five chairs, a three-drawer cart, a large heating/cooling wall unit and oh yeah, a garbage can. And, And. And! I still have room for a dance party. It’s ridiculous. So, I’m giving it up so that two of my librarians can move in and utilize the space better. A new office for me will start construction on Monday. I’m stressed. I want to downsize but did I size myself out of a position of authority? I don’t even know if my big corner desk will even fit in the new space. What did I do?
In the last week my dreams of getting a new kitchen came crashing down when my husband announced his car needs $2,000 worth of work. Like now.
Here’s how I know I surely have a flat tire on my life bus. Just ‘Cause is in three months, less than three actually. I have not started fund raising or serious training. At all. The St. Patrick’s Day road race is next weekend. My 4.82 mile run last Sunday was my last run. Period. I stopped just like that and I don’t know why. My mother wanted me to post pictures to FaceBook. I promised I would. I didn’t do it. I have been meaning to connect with a friend. That phone is always out of reach. I see her doing well on FB and think I don’t need to connect. My sister is graduating from a pretty impressive program. She is downplaying the event and hasn’t asked me to come home for it. Is that the reason why I haven’t made plans to make the trek? Or is it something else? Am I pretending to care when I really don’t or is the fog of apathy so thick I can’t see my true self?