Worth the Weight

I’m gaining weight. It’s a tiny blip on the scale – one to two pounds a week, but I’m gaining on myself. Normally a woman doesn’t throw her weight around and she especially doesn’t throw it out there. I mean, it’s supposed to be one of those numbers best kept to herself. Right? Right up there with age and income. The big no-discussion zip-it zone.

I don’t care. I’ll talk about it. I weighed 116 less than a month ago and have since blossomed into a solid 121. I don’t feel…what’s the word? Fat. Yes. I don’t feel fat. I don’t look heavy. I haven’t felt the need to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe (shoot me now if I did). The thing is, I feel strong; stronger than I ever have before. And faster. Let me tell you about the faster. Last Sunday I ran a solid 4.39 in 45 minutes. Respectable for me and myself on a few levels. First, I still haven’t rediscovered the groove with New Guinea. Still! I can’t close my eyes and feel at home on his tread. There is no zen. No settling in. This saddens me because it just goes to show you I’m not 100% comfortable anymore. I take a month off and suddenly we have broken up. Second, I am always, always, always slower on a treadmill. Don’t ask me how or why. I just am. There is something about running nowhere that unnerves me. So, when I can run thisclose to a 10 minute mile with the Guinea I’m a happy girl. Thirdly, humidity. Need I say more? Slogs my brain, deadens my feet. Even inside I feel the mugginess like a crime of the worst kind. Tonight was no different. Despite everything working against me I opted not to run with Spot (not worth the trouble of getting my phone out of its terminator charger – don’t ask). Instead I ran with my half-mara mix. Meh. I was as unenthused then as I sound now. So. There I was, hot and sticky before I had even run an inch. Not loving New Guinea or the music. Uninspired by even my shoes and looking to put in 45 minutes. How in the world? My goal was another 4.39 4.40 in 45 minutes. Yes, that .39 irked me. Fast forwarding through most of my playlist and completely drenched 45 minutes later I finished with 4.46. Respectable. Best song of the night: Big Wheel by Tori Amos.
I should note – the only reason why I care about pace is for the Chicago Terrapin 5k I have coming up in a week. The run is a few hours after we land and only a couple of hours before our first concert. I have this burning desire to get the 5k over and done with so we can get a decent meal before the show. I’d like to finish in under 30.

Now, if only this weight is worth it. I’ve had a pain in my left breast for three days now. It’s nagging me that the two might be related; cousins of some kind. Sister symptoms of something I should see someone about. We’ll see.

Categories: Confessional, running | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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