So Not Not Anymore

For weeks I have been saying “I am training but for what, I do not know.” I didn’t know because I didn’t want to commit to anything specific; just in case I failed myself horribly. What’s that line? “Do not confront me with my failures…I have not forgotten them.” (These Days by Jackson Browne) I haven’t forgotten the horrible half that was Alton Bay. By the end of the 13.1 my knee was trashed, I had a stress fracture in my foot, and a case of mild hypothermia. More than that I was a mess. My knee was so damaged I had to tape it just to keep it in place. My doctor told me to take up swimming, “if you need to do something.” He told me I wasn’t built to be a runner so just stop. Stop. He wasn’t gentle about it. It rocked my world and sent me down the rabbit hole. Ask anyone. It took me years to get back to the run and there many false starts in between.

These last two months have been completely and utterly different. I keep telling Kisa I am more than amazed at how good I feel. The distance. The time. The everything about the run has been otherworldly. So much so that I’m starting to think of running on vacation (Chicago in July). I’m starting to think races (Toronto in May). What the what? I “always” run St. Pats (this year being only my third time *sigh*) and I’ve always tried to run when home on Monhegan Isle. [How could I not? Have you seen that place? It’s a trail runner’s dream!] But! But. But, here’s the thing: Toronto in May. The half is calling my name. It’s calling my wallet, too. It’s expensive but accessible. And by that I mean Me, Myself and Moi – we checked with the ankles, knees and hips. Everyone seems to be in agreement – that this NOT training for anything might not be true anymore. I’m definitely not so not anymore; to the point where I changed my “plan for nothing” last night. The not training for anything changed into something. Tonight’s menu is a solid six. Sunday will see eleven.

Fearing out loud: I always stop running right around April for fear of injuring myself before the 60 mile cancer walk in May. This walk (my 7th!) means more to me than any other charity event I participate in. If I were to do any kind of damage that would cause me to sit out even a mile I would never forgive myself. I can’t, in good faith, ask people to donate to something I may fukc up. That would be irresponsible of me. THAT is my only concern for Toronto. If I hurt myself would four weeks be enough time to heal before the 60??

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Categories: Confessional, Just Cause, life, running, Walking | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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