Tested and Trusted

When I think of the things we put each other through, intentionally or not, I think the words, “we hurt the ones we love.” Why? Because they are the closest to the flame so they are the ones to get burned the sooner? Because we know their tolerance for taking us back is higher than the average stranger? Is it testing trust or trusting the test?
I went through the morning hating what I knew but haunted by what I did not. Fear of the unknown is a powerful thing. It leads to all sorts of imaginings and none of them good. I Don’t Know became my mantra over and over. But that’s not who I am. I collected the research. Data and diagrams. Knowledge is power and yet, I couldn’t read what I found; couldn’t analyze the source. The words burned too close to my fear for comfort. Until Don’t Make Me Regret stopped me cold. The implications of secrets. After learning of a friend’s suicide six months after the fact I remember my mother saying, “We didn’t tell you because you are fragile right now.” I missed a funeral. I missed a grieving because of fragility. So, no secrets. I read the research. Studied the ups and downs. Dosage and side effects. I read until I understood. Confronted the fear and didn’t back down. The lesson learned: Don’t hide from me just because I freak out. Don’t think I’m not strong enough. I may fall down but I will find my feet. I will stand up. Trust me with every dark and dirty and I will stand up to them.

Advertisements
Categories: Confessional | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Post navigation

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: