Everyone who knows me knows I have the ability to let a relationship slide into stranger mode. Once you knew me, now you don’t. A friendship could burn bright then turn dull without warning; finally fading out all together. I’ve done it before and I know I’ll do it again. I don’t ask for second chances nor do I seek out the previously dismissed. When I’m gone, I’m gone and when you’re out, you’re out.
That’s not to say I don’t have my regrets. That’s not to say I don’t wish for do-overs. I can think of a couple of relationships I wish hadn’t fizzled out. If I knew then what I know now I would have tried harder to fix them before the fade away. Founder and his criminal cancer. Duane and his fragile heart. I miss them both to the point of pain.
Without realizing it I gave myself a second chance with a relationship I deemed dead long ago. A few weeks ago I shut my eyes and jumped on a little opportunity to just show up. Unannounced and hoping I looked unassuming. Praying I wouldn’t get that look. You know the one that asks with disdain, “what brings YOU here?” The equivalent of a snide ‘Look What the Cat Dragged In’ comment. I was ready with a retort, a speech, a plea – I know I have been out of touch, but I’m back. Please forgive me for going radio silent. I didn’t mean to shut you out. It wasn’t you. It’s me. It’s always been me, myself and moi.
Open arms. Quick smile. Forgiving heart. I don’t know what I was so worried about. We have settled back into a relationship of quirky texts and check-this-out videos. I love this man. I want to know anything beyond “how was your day” and then some. I’ve gone greedy and want the everything one can give. Tell me more. And this time I will listen. This time I’m not going anywhere.