I have been in a constant state of avoidance lately. I don’t know why this trait has become so prevalent in my life. It seems to be everywhere. It’s not that I don’t have the energy and it’s not that I don’t care. But. But! But, what does it mean when I open a Christmas card, barely see the message but then throw it into a drawer without a second glance? What does it mean when my hand has been numb for weeks but I don’t call to have it checked out? What does it mean when I order Christmas gifts online but close the browser before confirming the order? Where am I going with this?

I didn’t run the Hot Chocolate. I stood on the sidelines and watched red faced runners race in. I blamed this on kisa. He didn’t show enthusiasm for entering and I followed his nonexistent lead. Why? It only made me envious and embarrassed because I wanted to run it. I said I would.

I am finishing 2012 unmotivated and unchallenged. Uninspired and maybe more than a little disillusioned.  I have a bad case of the blahs. Terrible since I have so much to be thankful for and happy about.

Consider this. I don’t have kids so there wasn’t the need to hug a little one after the events at Sandy Hook. I didn’t experience the gut wrenching fear or heartbreaking sorrow. I watched from afar with a seething anger and a dull throbbing hatred of all things evil. Notice, I said afar. Detached. Outside myself. Like poking the flesh wound of someone else and not feeling their pain.

Like Cher in Moonstruck I wish I could slap myself out of it. I need to wake up and walk out. The Barenaked Ladies sang about this lethargy on their Maroon album. Yes, please. Pinch me. I need motion and movement. I need to untangle myself from this stranglehold of procrastination.

Categories: Confessional | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

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