I have not been shy about talking about past problems in my life. I cannot deny these things so I shouldn’t lie about them either. Same goes for the current short comings and downfalls. “Do not confront me with my failures. I have not forgotten them” as Jackson Brown would say. I am well aware of when and where I miss the mark.
One such place and time is New Guinea and how often I haven’t visited said treadmill. I realize that for five months I was a walking fool and never found a good way to balance Just ‘Cause with anything else, namely the run. Having said that, I am making an effort to get back to it. I hate the way I feel without it. I think that’s why I have hated myself for such a long time now. Me – Run = Confusion. Without a doubt.
Last week I was able to get on the treadmill just twice. Two runs produced pitiful mileage but at least I did something other than walking, for once. Last night I decided to push the envelope a little. Run a little farther, run a little faster. Just to see if me, myself and moi could handle it. My first two runs were something akin to a blushing bride on her virginal wedding night. Timid and traipsing like a frilly excuse for a run. Everything about me was heavy and heaving like I weighed 280 instead of 117. Ridiculous. Just ridiculous.
Last night was a breakthrough of sorts. I only ran 3.43 but I busted down the door of insecurity and decided my body could take something a little harder, a little faster. I am nowhere near my comfort pace of 9.26 but then again I have to remind myself I have been “back” all of thirteen days. It isn’t going to be easy. I don’t want it to be. I probably will never get back to what once was and I’m okay with that. Bitch about it and move on. I want New Guinea to be what the Gerbil was – a place to get angry, a place to get my ass kicked. ‘Cause I like it like that.
So, back to the run. When it was all said and done and I was laying in pigeon pose (one of my all-time favorite post-run yoga moves, I might add) I realized I was back. It was like I never left. Good to know.