I think I have it figured out. Marriage is making me weak. When I was a single and silly I was used to getting my car fixed and serviced by Me, Myself and Moi. When I was independently alone I was familiar with heavy lifting, tough jar tops and snowy driveways. When I was unattached I was socially more accepting and seriously secure in having a good time. Marriage has changed me, stunted me, tethered me to a dependency I don’t need.
I call Kisa my Knight In Shining Armor. He has saved me from severe depression and the self destruction that always comes with it. But, he has also come to my rescue in detrimental but dumb ways. I don’t take my car in for an oil change. Hell, I don’t even get behind the wheel on the weekends. I don’t carry in the 50 pounds of kitty litter or snap open that jar of marinara. I don’t shovel the driveway or de-ice the sidewalk. I don’t go dancing with the girls or stay out until three. I haven’t seen my favorite heartbeat in well over a year. In my heart of hearts I know Kisa is not trying to kill me. He’s not secretly planning my Damsel in Distress demise. I can surely play the part without him and sometimes do. It’s just easy to let him take the lead. Take the charge. Drive the car. Stay in and snuggle. I’m a homebody at heart so it’s easy to dismiss the way life used to be.
But…is that complacency making me weak? Making me scared? Is there a connection between being afraid to take flight and being tethered at home?