Caught in Ugly

I had to laugh when I found this blog from 2006. What, exactly, was I so worried about?

I’m exactly where I feared I would be. I predicted this. Caught in ugly. They say mean, hateful things about the other them and I don’t know how to respond. I can’t won’t respond so I hide, hide, hide. I used to have people I could talk to about this. I used to have friends who understood. Now everyone has chosen a side but me. Meanwhile I’m still clinging to the middle of the road. I’m like that animal, flattened out by fear on the double yellow line, teeth bared, body shaking in terror. Please don’t hit me. Please don’t turn me into roadkill. Please. I can’t go to that side…nor that other one. They didn’t do anything to me so I’m not choosing them, nor did you, so I can’t chose the other you. So. I can’t chose at all. Don’t make me. I’m in the middle of ugly. Why can’t I be neutral? Why can’t I be Switzerland? Can’t we all just get along? No. It’s beyond that. It’s beyond me. I bother my husband with my heartache. I bug close strangers with my sorrows. I am pitiful and powerless. It aint pretty. It’s stupid, really, to be caught in ugly.

In the end I did chose. When you don’t do something one way or the other that in itself is a decision. I chose neither. I’ve lost the melody of one choice and the rhythm of another. Am I any worse off? Not really. Five years is a long time to forget and I remember less than I thought. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder they say and yet I find myself loving ugly.

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Categories: Confessional, life, music | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

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