Someone once said to me “your life is a continual exorcism.” And after the conversation I had today, I believe it as truth. I will never be free from the phantasms, real and imagined. The demons still lurk, the phone still rings. The ones who haunt me the hardest are the ones who love me the most. How bizarre.
But, that doesn’t stop me from wanting to do things differently. Speak a little louder. Carry a smaller grudge. Is it possible? I’m wanting to learn from my mistakes, especially the ones I haven’t made yet. They are there, waiting for me. Tapping their toes with impatience. I’m sure of it. Maybe I know how to confront failure.
Tomorrow I want to find a way to rev the engines in my life. Rattle the cages. Hibernation is well over. Maybe I want to dye my head red. Maybe I want to throw out 96 items of crap. Maybe I want fukc me ferragamos. Maybe I need a new tattoo. My thumb ring of nearly thirteen years finally fell off. Maybe I should get a new ring…for my nose. Maybe I thumb my nose and get one, oh so daring, for somewhere else. Maybe I should go for a long, crazy run with Kings of Leon screaming between my ears. Maybe I take a swig of gin and let the chips fall where they may. Maybe I need to find that King of May. Maybe.
All I know is that I’m tired of being your blame game. I’m tired of having this tug of war with the right thing to say at the wrong time. Maybe it’s time for me to say the completely wrong thing at precisely the right time. Maybe that time is now.