When In Doubt

Last weekend I had another one of my classic “fits.” Randomly and completely without warning I will think of  my life as too cluttered, too hoardish. I get a strong desire to rent a dumpster and purge material waste. I go through these phases when I’m emotionally bogged down and all I want is sparse and room to spare in every aspect of my life. In this mindset I attacked a storage space I refer to as the “workout” closet. Out came ten years of Real Simple magazines, ankle weights (hey, I can use them in therapy), resistance bands from the first PT stint, exercises clipped from magazines, yoga blocks, hair ties with spent elastic, a plethora of water bottles in all shapes and sizes (I think someone is trying to tell me something), and. And! And, my running journal from 2005. More specifically, this was my training log for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society’s half marathon!

To those of you who don’t know me this is like finding a shoebox of old love letters. I was in love with running and this was the proof. It IS the proof. My hands trembled to realize I held day one in them. Back where it all began, it began with a simple desire to run. All this time I have been telling people I didn’t start running until Team in Training. That’s so not true.

When I told a friend I found the journal her reaction surprised me. She wanted to reread it with me. Sit on the floor and cry with me. Who knew that seven months of my life could move me so much? Impact someone else that much? There is no substitute for sharing in the moment at that moment, but maybe this is the next best thing (Black = original text; Green = my current day comments):

Day 1 (November 10th) Dare I Say?
Today is the first day I feel like a runner. I ran for 23 minutes straight. I have no clue how far that is, but in terms of my neighborhood it’s past Sojourner Truth, down liquor Hill, across from the grandparents, behind the high school and back around again (It’s 2.2 miles, mostly hills). In music terms it’s She Says through most of Please Let Me Be (Sirsy’s album Away From Here was my first choice for training music). By Monday I’ll get to You. I’ll pound it out to the drums, but sometimes the lyrics push me more. Uncomfortable has become my comfortable theme song. Anger to keep the legs moving (Uncomfortable is a song about sexual abuse – been there, dealt with that). I have my first Team Leukemia/Lymphoma meeting tonight. I’m nervous that I can’t stay for the whole thing because I also have to teach a class for English 101. Conflicting schedules. Not a good way to start. Ugh. Why do I feel like I’ve bitten the wrong end of the viper?”

My urge is to go back to the old haunts and run them again. Would I see Sojourner differently? Would liquor hill hurt me? What would I feel running by Grace? Would I run faster or slower? In pain or in love? When in doubt, just do it. Maybe this weekend.

Categories: Confessional, life, Old Blogs, running | Tags: , , , , , | 1 Comment

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One thought on “When In Doubt

  1. wonderful! this can’t compare to reading with you. bottle of wine and the tears and laughter i know we’d find ourselves consumed by but it will have to do for now. more. share more.

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