Gnaw on This

I had just put in a very long work day. Nine hours with Job #1 (which I refer to as Job Proper) and and two hours with Job #2 (Job Fun). Kisa had brought home a sandwich as my late night dinner (anything after 8pm is considered late in my little world) and I was just taking a bite when the phone rang. My Mother.The extent of the conversation went a little something like this:

Her: “Did you try to call here today?
Me: “No. Maybe it was my sister.”
H: “No. WE talked to her earlier. I was just wondering because your aunt had surgery today. And we hadn’t heard from you.And she did send you a birthday present.”
M: “You said I should let you call me. It was easier that way.”
H: “Well. Never mind that. You should thank her. Send her a card. So, do you want to hear about your aunt?” (I had a card ready to go in the mail and it would have gone out the day before had I not been preoccupied with the long day I was going have!)

Am I reading this conversation wrong? Why do I feel like sh!t? My aunt’s surgery was on my mind all freaking day. It made concentrating difficult. I even mentioned it to a few people more than once. Just because I didn’t post my feelings on FaceBook or call for hourly updates does that make me an uncaring, unfeeling, cold-hearted bitch niece/daughter? I hung up the phone questioning what it meant to be a good daughter. Hadn’t I just trekked up to Maine for a 40 minute visit with an elderly relative? Hadn’t I made time to lunch with my sister and nephews? Haven’t I been making an effort to be “there” when needed?

I am seriously considering having some sort of crisis that takes me out of obligation. It definitely works for someone else I know!

What I really need is a good, hard run. Something that takes me beyond three lousy miles. Something that screams back at me. Not tonight. Job #2 calls and so I must answer. In the meantime I will try to resist gnawing on my own sense of uselessness.



Categories: Confessional, life | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

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