When I said I wanted a little squeeze this contraption is definitely not what I had in mind! Today I am carrying around a blood pressure monitor. I can only imagine the kinds of numbers this thing is recording. After getting it strapped to me (more on that later) I couldn’t even begin to imagine spending an hour with it much less a full 24. Every 15 minutes it automatically takes a reading. A small beep warns me it’s about to begin and then for 30 seconds the experience is something akin to a boa constrictor tightening its length around its prey. Tighter and tighter. The sensation is something I can’t get used to, try as I might. I mean, my fingers turn blue!

So. Getting this thing on. We’ve all worn the bp cuff. We all know how it works. Silly moi didn’t think about this when me & myself got dressed this morning. Elastic banded sleeves and tight pull-over sweaters are not considered “easy access” wear for the squeeze machine. It was embarrassing to struggle with my clothing while the tech waited patiently. I imagined her foot tapping under the table. I could tell she wanted to help. All I wanted to do was get my damned sleeve pulled down and get the blood work done.

The next awkward moment was the urine sample. I’m strapped in to the BP cuff with the monitor slung over my arm like a purse. It sways, banging into the wall while I try to negotiate breathing peeing room in the tiny lady’s room stall. Never mind the fact that I’m still holding the key to the bathroom (and you should see the giant key ring attached. It’s the shape and size of a Disney wand, puke pink with a picture of some priceless, primping princess. She’s way too happy for this kind of humiliation.), the plastic bag the sample goes into, my purse, jacket and let’s not forget the pee cup and cover! Despite all that I have to say the human body amazes me. Despite fasting for 18 hours I still managed to produce a sample even if I wasn’t so graceful about going about it.

So. The blood has been given. From what I can tell they will be running  five specific tests from the samples they took. Either that or they really enjoy using vials of different colors!

Now I wait. What will they find? What will they won’t? Me and my BP cuff can’t wait to find out.

Categories: Confessional, life | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

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