Written September 16th, 2008.
Everyone around me is making me ill and it’s my own damn fault. I’m surrounded by running, running, running. Everywhere I look someone is bragging posting their stats. “I ran this far…” “I ran this fast…” “I ran this race…” I ran. I say it’s my fault because I chose to surround myself with these people. I thought I would appreciate the motivation. I thought I would be encouraged by their determinations. I read the blogs of runners of all levels. Many of these people I have never met. Nor do I want to. They are making me sick. Some are training to run their very first 5K. Some are in the marathon phase of their lives. Some are running beyond marathons and getting into ultra marathons. Nevertheless, they are all running something somewhere for something.
I sound bitter. I know it and I hate it. I am bitter and pissed. One of my best friends is running a marathon this January. I’m happy for her, yet I can’t help but feel a little lot jealous as well. Another friend isn’t training for anything at all, yet she runs every single day at least three miles. For the hell of it. I should be impressed, yet I can’t help but feel a little envious as well. These people, these friends – I must stress that – these friends are doing what i said I wanted to do.
So, if that’s true… If I really am jealous and really am envious and I really truly want to run, why aren’t I doing it? Why am I not on the street in the early morning light banging out a few miles? Why not me? Injury led to pain, pain led to fear, fear led to let down. Other than that, I haven’t got a clue. I don’t know why I don’t run.
I do know that the day before yesterday I got on the treadmill for exactly 30 minutes and was able to put in a 2.77 mile run. Nothing to write home about, but nothing to sneeze at, either. At least I did it. Can I get to marathon level? I don’t think so. Will I start running every single day? I seriously doubt it. Am I okay with that? No. Not right now. Did I mention I’m bitter and I’m angry? Will I ever be okay with not running something substantial? Hopefully. In the meantime I will have to put up (and shut the fukc up) with all this running from everyone around me.