But I’m Still Here

I am in the eye of the storm. Chaos is all around me and yet my life is calm. For some reason, while earthquakes bring the worlds of others to the ground, I am still standing. I am still here. Is it indifference or is it strength that makes me stand so still in the midst of all the drama? Indifference and strength – I have come to know both.

To my right is a man who cannot die. In his mind and soul he is ready but the heart continues to tick. Day after day after day he breathes. He questions those around him, “why can’t I die?” I sit back and cannot answer. I don’t know why.

To my left is a marriage quietly crumbling. Indifference is the acid that is deteriorating the glue of matrimony. Although I have known these people nearly all my life their disintegration doesn’t disturb me. I sit back and think I know why.

To my near is a woman faced with losing the run. The body is betraying the competitive courage. Her frustration is near boiling and yet I am as placid as an undisturbed pond. I have been there. Knocked off the pedestal of powerful. I sit back and wait for her to find the alternative strength for I know it is there.

To my far are the ashes of an undeserved death. Buried under roses and dusted upon the sea. Around me grief is refreshed with a renewed raw. The reminders of what we have been missing are renewed. I stand back and sigh. My pain has been spent and I know it.

Before me is a woman in lost in confusion. Behind me is a woman with a brain tumor. Inoperable. Both women struggle to strand straight, see clear. Their minds are not their own all the time. Some of the time they see the world for what it is, but most of the time they see it for what it isn’t. The child is slipping away. A mother will lose her little girl. One is blind to it; the other bound to it.

All these things happening around me but not to me. I cannot control any of it. Indifference and strength keep me standing. I’m still here.

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Categories: Confessional, life | Tags: , , , , , | 7 Comments

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7 thoughts on “But I’m Still Here

  1. Death and illness are never easily to understand and deal with. But it’s something everyone has to deal with at one time or another. It really sucks though. Thank you for sharing this.

  2. The stages of grief are unique to each individual and from the sorrow comes strength. Eventually.

  3. becelisa

    thank you for being the rock right now. i need your calm to counter my frustration and fear. can you talk tonight?

  4. Shoot! I didn’t see this last night. Today is Kisa’s birthday. Are you free this weekend or some night next week? We need to catch up.

  5. becelisa

    no worries. i ended up out with a friend for a couple drinks anyway. tonight is no good. but tomorrow should be. we’re spending tomorrow day tubing on a river in north florida and hiking so i might be exhausted by the time we get home but let’s tentatively aim for it. tell kisa i say happy birthday!

  6. I suck. We spent all day out and about (this has turned into a birthday weekend). text me your free times…

  7. becelisa

    so did we. today too. i have a couple things up in the air this week so i’ll text you once i know my free nights for sure. xoxo

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