I am at a loss for words. I know that when I say something I will instantly become an open book, letting it all hang out. I’ve never been good at pretending when it comes to caring. So, this is completely and utterly from the heart when I say What. The. Fukc?!? Seriously!
You used to be awesome. Pure and simply amazing. I held you in the highest regard, thought the world of you; in the words of Natalie, you were all that I could see. I risked the reputation of daddy’s little girl to be your daring damsel. Skirting the edges of town, disappearing always. Too drunk on moonbeams to stay til morning. Never before and never since has there been a more succinct summer. Until this week I would have described you as smart, funny, good-looking, well-read, well-bred, well…everything. I’ve held onto the things you’ve given me; remembered the things you’ve taught me; cherished the person you’ve helped me become. Literature and language, words wrapped in rose petals. While most of those things have faded (or have been sent back to their rightful owner) I have kept small reminders of a larger time. Cat eyes and how it all began – with a note. Griffin & Sabine – more notes by other author no less passionate. Ending with the Darkest Hour. Beginning with Cottlestone Pie. Listening to WJYM. Particle Theory.
I’d like to think you dead. Like a closed casket loved one. I’ve dreamed you dead. Closed the door. I’d like to remember you as you were and not as you are now. You are much more beautiful that way. Less of a lie that way. We wouldn’t know each other now. The bloom is off the rose. You have lost your sophistication and sparkle only to become someone’s silliness. Someone’s punchline. Someone’s joke. It is too painful to watch, too difficult to swallow. My pride won’t let me admit I know you now. I don’t. I knew you when.