Freak One

There is a new marketing technique hitting the WannaBe workforce. It’s called the Have No Shame tactic. Here’s how you do it.

First, you send all correspondence in flashy, bright-enough-to-hurt your-eyes envelopes. Keep the color consistent so when you finally meet your future employer he/she says “You’re the  one with the neon pink envelope!” Success! Someone remembers you for your obnoxious color choice.

Second, send correspondence frequently. Repetition helps the memory and chances are your future employer will be older than you by a long shot. Send the same exact letter if you have to. In fact it’s highly recommended. Send a Save The Date to announce the imminent arrival of your resume. Make it sound bigger and more important than winning the lottery or even the Second Coming.

Third, anticipate and threaten accordingly. Anticipate your future employer will throw away your first missive. That is a given. Counter attack by sending the same letter only this time include an all-knowing note warning your future employer bad things will happen if this one ends up in the trash (even though it probably didn’t). For good measure, crumple the second missive to make it look like it had been plucked from the garbage…coffee stains not necessary but a nice touch.

Fourth, when finally sending out that all-important resume make it larger than life. Remember to use that bright neon pink envelope! When describing your resume, let your future employer know this is just a taste of your potential. Use words like “abridged” or even “truncated” to imply there is much, much more to your talent. There is so much more to you than a three page document describing education, work experience, and other. Feel free to embelish the finer points.

Fifth, be mysterious. Contact information should always be contradictory. Home phone in one zip code, cell phone in another. Mailing address should send things one way while email indicates you are someplace else. Appear as transient and rootless as possible. “Keep ’em guessing” is the motto here.

Last, but not least, make your future employer aware that you are just too hot for this market. Let him or her know there is a strong possibility you will become inundated with job offers. Yes, use the word inundated. You may have to go elsewhere if he or she doesn’t act fast enough to give you an interview. Giving a time frame for an interview – say, the next three days – is highly encouraged.

Believe it or not, there is someone out there who thinks all this is a good idea. Not only that, but considers me the future employer. How did I get to be so lucky?

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Categories: Confessional | Tags: , , , , | 4 Comments

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4 thoughts on “Freak One

  1. Ruby Tues

    This is AWESOME! Strangely enough, two people I know once co-wrote a book called Resumes from Hell. You MUST check it out and you may feel a little less like a freak magnet. The books website it http://www.resumesfromhell.com and you will want to click on the “previews” section in the menu to get to the excerpts. Enjoy 🙂

  2. I simply cannot wait to read this! I need a good laugh and I think this will do the trick! Thank you!!

    ps~ this blog has prompted the funniest “worst resume” stories – who knew there were so many odd ducks out there!

  3. d

    Considering how long I’ve been looking for a job, this just might be worth trying. More people seem to be taking these sort of risks. Gotta get in on the ground floor before everyone is trying it!

  4. Being unemployed is awful. Hang in there!

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