I Don’t Mean It

I have been telling people I won’t walk for Just ‘Cause come next year. The fund raising is stressful, the training walks – tiring. The emotional drain of it all leaves me empty and hollow.

Fund raising isn’t my bag. I hate asking people for money, no matter how great, or worthy, or important the cause. You can tell someone all about the logistics – where the money goes, how it is used, the good it does…but it does no good where the average larry is concerned. Friends and family, as well meaning as they are, say they will donate but somehow never get around to writing that all-important check. Here are the true donors; the people who “get it” as they say: they are the people who have shook hands with cancer and brushed elbows with death and lived to tell about it. They really get it. Next there are the people who have lost a loved one to the increasingly complicated condition of cancer. They are the people who shake their heads with tears in their eyes as they try to make sense of why their Mary or their Irene had to die at fifty-something or not-yet-seventy years young. They donate because of the memory of the one they lost is fresh with them 5 years, 10 years, or even a lifetime later. Look at me. I am haunted by the death of someone I have not met.

When I say the training walks are tiring what I mean is they are more weary on my psyche. Trying to plans the walks around life isn’t always easy. I want to do it all and find myself cutting corners when I can’t. Intentions are good but sooner or later they are ignored. The Do It Now gets neglected and  becomes the Do It Never. I am not proud of this. Not really.

Then there is the simple fact I’m not cut out for this anymore. My ankle, hip and now both knees need a break from the heartbreaking journeys I insist on taking them on. Just last week my right foot developed a weird pain running across where my toes connect with the top of my foot. It hurt to walk so even without the gruel of a training walk I was limping. It disappointed me to be in pain; especially one so unexplained.

I tell people I won’t walk next year as a way to say Donate Now! but really, I’m my own voice of reason. The wiser me is telling my sentimental self enough is enough.

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Categories: Confessional, Fund Raising, Just Cause, life, Walking | Tags: , , , , | 3 Comments

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3 thoughts on “I Don’t Mean It

  1. Ruby Tues

    From one fundraiser to another … I think that you do not have have to defend you choice to give up the walk next year. You can still support your cause in a very meaningful way without all those physical and mental stresss. So, trust me …. I happen to know just a thing or two about fundraising … 🙂

  2. LOL! That you do!
    There is a “page 2” of this blog that I haven’t had the guts to write yet…
    …and didn’t you know? Defensive is my middle name!

  3. sarah

    you have done a great job with Just ‘Cause and Ruth is right that you can certainly support the event in the future in a way that is less demanding than walking.

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