Down the Rabbit Hole

I’m feeling a bit like Alice. Where did the week go? Where have I been? I feel like I have been sleeping for weeks. In other words, what the hell happened? Here’s what happened. Surgery. Recovery. Injury. Apprehension. In that order. I had the surgery. Nothing to write home about. Nothing to sneeze about, either. Nothing to worry about. Nothing to make light of, either. I don’t remember much of Thursday after 2pm. or 1:15pm. Pockets of memory – like a really nice nurse assuring me I could take home the weird socks. Getting in the truck but not getting out. Talking to mom but not hanging up. Dreaming about falling trees and high seas but not sleeping. Life underwater yet coming up for air. That I remember.

We think we got it all. Dr. Ruth told Kisa she had to remove more than she planned. She drew him a picture. Spoke in a foreign language of medical terms. Cauterization. Bleeding. Hypertension. Dysplasia. Stage III…He nods. I sleep.

In the days to follow I am slow moving and wavering. One minute nauseous, next minute wanting a burrito. Full of energy, falling asleep on my feet. I welcome texts because I can’t form words. My phone talks for me. Kisa swipes at drops of blood and silently makes me tea. Hovering and stern he lets me rattle on about feeling great yet says nothing when I fade; crawl into a fetal ball of I Don’t Feel Well. I refuse pain medication because I want to be aware of something.My mother said something about a confused sea and I feel as though I’m in it, adrift.

Training has stopped for the time being. All energy is on lowering the blood pressure and healing. This is a strange case of deja vu. I’ve been here before. Even if I don’t remember.

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Categories: Confessional, life | Tags: , , , , | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “Down the Rabbit Hole

  1. sarah

    love you! if there is anything i can do please do not hesitate to ask!!

  2. Thank you!!! xoxoxo

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