Thought I Could

I know my limitations. I carry them in my back pocket to remind me, take them out when I start to doubt. Because I know them, but just because I know them doesn’t mean I always listen to them.

I thought I could run without my RB 850s and yet, after all that I couldn’t. The fear of injury was just too great. The risks were too wild to imagine. The Mizzies stayed in the bag and for three days home taunted me nonetheless. Dirt roads for my feet to pound on, root bound trails to dance over, the roar of the surf on my side, the salt-salt winds to wrap around my ears. No pavement, no men yelling, no exhaust fumes, no traffic, no loud engines. I could picture the calm, fantasize about the clean air but that was all. It was all in my head. No run for me. So, I took exactly ten days off from the run. When I got back I ran 5.32 just to get the funk out…in my beloved 850s.

I thought I could be home without distraction. I planned on it, wanted it, needed it, and yet after all that I couldn’t. The voices were just too loud, the needs too great, the questions too many. Like trying to extract myself from the clinging hug of an octopus every time I got an arm free another would wrap itself tighter and tighter around me. I found myself trapped to play hostess, enduring the constrictions, barely breathing. ‘Answer me this’ the tendrils sang.

I thought I could learn to love having you with me. I think I lied. Through all the planning and pleasing I have grown weary of it all. Like has unexpectedly turned to loathe. You simply try too hard. You simply try too  much. You repeated yourself so often I didn’t know if you didn’t remember who you were talking to or just like the sound of your own voice. It exhausted me. In the end we made a game out of it. How many times will you mention this? Well, that depends on how many new audience members you get throughout the day. Everyone must know the same story, much to the chagrin of the one who has heard it from the start. How many times will you say that one word? Well, that depends on how long the night is. The attention has to be on you and it will be a long night.

I thought I could come away from home with answers to questions long since buried. Instead I dredged up new ones. How many mothers can one person have and what’s my real name?

Categories: Confessional, running | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

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