I’m serving my husband turkey two days in a row. He’s just going to have to deal with it because I can’t deal. My sister summed it up perfectly last night. “It’s been an exhausting week,” she wrote. “Oh wait. It’s only Tuesday.”
Technically, I shouldn’t have anything to complain about. Monday, I stepped off a plane instead of going to work. As the calendar goes Monday marked the 17th anniversary of my father’s passing. I could have blogged about how scared I was of the landing, how I thought the plane’s little bounces were going to send me to my death and wouldn’t that be ironic, it being September 21st and all? I spent the evening dialing and redialing my mother’s numbers. I always take 9/21 a little hard, but I know she takes it harder. A wife should. When I couldn’t get through I went to bed silent yet saying small prayers.
Tuesday morning. I was barely out the door when my mother called me back in. She called me by name and I just knew. It wasn’t hard to figure out our friend of over 30 years was gone. What a day to sit by someone’s deathbed. Even though I knew and even though I should have been past shock I still cried. It all happened so fast. Be grateful she didn’t suffer. Better yet – She’s in a better place. I will never understand that saying – even when it comes from my own mother’s mouth. I sat on the couch defeated. Work seemed like such a chore to get to. Like it was a million miles away.
Tuesday night. I got home from work and suddenly had no desire to run. The flame that had been burning bright for eight weeks suddenly went out. Just like that. A strange message from a relative had me crying all over again. I don’t understand your memories is what I want to tell him. I can’t comprehend your message. What are you trying to say? 17 years ago we were three lost souls, blindly bobbing around adrift in a sea of sympathy. We were as alone and as far away from each other as our grief could take us. Now we are family. Strong and supported. Unified and okay. Really.
I say I’m okay because in the grand scheme of things I am. I pulled turkey two days in a row because I am lost in the uncaring right now. I don’t care to cook. I don’t care to run. I am lost but not forever.