Murderer No Gangsta

Ok. So the title for this blog comes from the fact I can’t get a stupid car commercial out of my head and no one I work with has seen it! All of this makes me feel slightly insane.

This seems to be my week for murder. Normally I consider myself a very gentle person. I don’t think I can go so far as to say I wouldn’t hurt a flea. I’ve killed my share of bugs, but lately I’m a killer of the worst kind. I’m killing plants. I seriously do not know what my problem is.
Take Zeke. He’s a 20+ year old spider plant. His full name is Ezekiel Templeton and I’ve had him since Jersey days – saved him from a dumpster back in college. We’re talking over 20 years ago. Talk about never hurting anyone! He has sat in his corner of my life for those 20+ years, just minding his own business, not asking for much. Water from time to time, maybe plant food on occasion. He has never bitched about his ever changing living arrangement; Zeke has moved every time I have – you guessed it – for the past 20+ years. He has even suffered the indignity of being chewed on by my cat without complaint.
How do I repay my loyal friend? How do I show my thanks for all these years of bringing green into my life? By nearly killing him. At the moment he is barely alive but, but! But. If he dies the verdict will be in: murder. I have no alibi. Here’s how I account for my whereabouts on Sunday morning: I wanted to give Zeke a little more leg room. My plan was to separate him from him and put him in several different (bigger) pots. After 20+ years in the same pot you would think this would be a welcomed change. How was I to know he had Siamesed himself and there was no way in hell I would be able to separate any him from himself? His roots were more than pot bound, they were conjoined and inseparable. Impossible. Sadly, I tried to send Zeke back to the pot from which he came, but he wasn’t having any of it and instantly showed his displeasure by starting to wilt. Today, he sulks in his corner looking way more than sad. Is it possible I killed my oldest plant? Say it aint so! If so, I won’t be able to live it down.
My other attempted murder has happened much slower, over a period of time and with a little less drama. Pure neglect is the charge. I have this group of plants at work. Normally, I am very diligent about watering and caring for them. I swear I have no idea what happened. I stopped watering them. Not on purpose. It wasn’t like I set out to kill them. I didn’t have malice in my former green thumb. It wasn’t like I wanted them to suffer. I just stopped noticing this group of green on my windowsill. Today, I over-corrected and over-watered. Last ditch effort to revive the clan. If it actually worked I haven’t a clue.

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Categories: Confessional | Tags: , , , | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “Murderer No Gangsta

  1. Ruby Tues

    I nearly killed several of my spiders numerous times … luckily, they are forgiving and stronger than they look. Zeke may just surprise you and come back bigger and stronger than before. I sure hope so!

    • Zeke is hanging on…barely. He looks defeated but not dead. If that makes sense. i have hope.

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