Another run. 2.65 miles. Peanuts to everyone else but me. It’s monumental for this girl. Huge for this state of mind I’ve been in. I can’t even begin to articulate how gigantic 2.65 miles really is. Really. For six weeks I have shunned all kinds of social engagements. The thought of picking up the phone to even return a text exhausted me. It was easier to say no than to even think about it. I found myself lying on the floor, ignoring the phone, turning away from the knock on the door, wanting to be alone. Remember Men at Work’s song “Who Can It Be Now?” – well that has been my theme song. I kid you not. Closing my eyes to the persistence of I Want to Be With You. Shutting out the When Do You Want To Go Out question. How about never? Was that too rude for you? I honestly didn’t have the energy to make excuses. I hated myself for locking myself away. Detested the back turning and cold shoulders, but, I couldn’t snap out of it.
Then one day something changed. Someone moved the blinds just a little and the light came in. Not a flood-like epiphany. Not a wide awakening. There were no angels singing hallelujah to my eye opener. It started with the treadmill. Then the word divorce slapped me in the face and I accepted a lunch invitation. I put down the book long enough to see between the lines and beyond the page. Next came cooking a real meal. Indian. Curry with naan and mashed potatoes. Something that took more time than opening a box. Then came the tread again and running 2.65.
Running 2.65 miles means nothing to anyone else. But, to me it’s the end to the darkness I was hiding in. It’s the end of saying no all the time. I’m not saying the funk is gone for god. I’m not saying I can’t fall back into that depressed state. I know I will revisit that side of life again. My dark cloud is always waiting for me to climb under it. And I will – I just hope it’s not anytime too soon. In the meantime I will mark my calendar with places to be, people to see, and life to be lived. X marks the spot where I carry on.